|
Stepfamilies
Stepfamilies have many
rewards. Couples who have children from a previous marriage or relationship
do not have a leisurely adjustment to (re-) married life, though.
There is no honeymoon period. The first two years are the period
of greatest challenge.
There is a continuum
of complexity and challenge in stepfamily situations. Among the
less complex and less challenging and disruptive stepfamily situations
is one where the man is the non-custodial parent of the only stepchildren,
so they are present only at certain holiday, vacation and other
designated periods. Among the more complex, more challenging situations
are those with children - especially adolescent children - from
multiple previous relationships.
Four key tasks for successfully
forming a stepfamily include:
•
Creating a satisfying new marriage relationship.
• Gradually
integrating the stepparent into the life of the stepchildren.
• Managing
change
• Creating
rules for dealing with former spouses
The stages of stepfamily
transition are:
•
Fantasy - The stepfamily will be just like a biological family,
maybe better. Denial is operating. The couple must give this up
in order to succeed.
•
Immersion - The first year or two are challenging with lots
of confusion, conflict and feelings of isolation. This is the period
when couples need to be very flexible, pragmatic, willing to abandon
preconceptions, and persevering - don't give up.
•
Adaptation - New relationships formed. Members begin to have
a sense of belonging, insider-outsider splits are less prominent
and gains outweigh losses.
•
Disruption - Children who reach pre-adolescence (ages 11
- 16) can disrupt the stepfamily adaptation and conflict will re-emerge
with possible regression to another immersion-like stage.
•
Re-adaptation
Going through the initial
immersion stage with adolescent children is much more challenging
because their normal developmental needs for separation and independence
from the family are in conflict with the need of the stepfamily
to form new family bonds and relationships.
There are two basic adaptation
models for stepfamilies:
•
Neo-traditional - Responsibility is shared for parenting.
The non-biological parent(s) gradually assume a parental role with
all children.
•
Matriarchal - The woman has children from a previous relationship.
She basically takes all responsibility for parental decisions with
her children. The man serves as parenting helper but does not attempt
to fill the father role and defers to her in parenting matters.
The success of this adaptation depends on the woman being interested
in being in charge and on the man being willing to accept a secondary
role in parenting.
Major challenges for
stepfamilies include: Resolving complex insider and outsider roles
and boundaries. Initially, expect bonds between parents and children
to be stronger than those between marriage partners. Relations with
the outside parent (former spouse(s), etc.) are complicating. Couples
must create a boundary around their marriage relationship and (in
neo-traditional stepfamilies) become a real parenting team.
Be alert for and manage
sexual feelings and impulses between stepchildren of different genders.
Don't expect them to be closer to each other than they are comfortable
being.
References and Reading:
James H. Bray, Ph.D.
and John Kelly, Stepfamilies: Love, Marriage and Parenting in the
First Decade. The result of a major research study about stepfamilies,
this book gives insight into the issues and challenges for stepfamilies,
what works and doesn't work, along with stories of families from
the case studies. Bray finds that successful stepfamilies are different
from biological nuclear families, but every bit as able to provide
a positive, nurturing environment for both children and adults.
Click
here to learn more about or buy this book through our bookstore
link.
E. Mavis Hetherington,
Ph.D. and John Kelly, For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered.
Section two, Remarriage and Stepfamily Life, is especially helpful
on stepfamily issues. The first section may also be helpful in considering
what went wrong in a previous marriage. The overall tone of this
book is positive and takes the view that divorce, while stressful
and confusing, is an opportunity for personal growth and a better
life.
Click
here to learn more about or buy this book through our bookstore
link.
Couples with children
from previous relationships find that MST marriage preparation helps
to address the special challenges that stepfamilies can pose. MST
includes an special optional seminar section to help couples begin
to specifically address stepfamily issues.
MST functions as an immunization
that boosts your capacity to handle these potential difficulties.
It fortifies your marriage immune system by giving you an early
alert to potential areas of challenge and providing you with the
skills and opportunity to resolve and manage these challenges before
stress and conflict emerge.
MST pre-marriage preparation
seminars are designed to help couples build the skills and understanding
that they will need to succeed in marriages with stepchildren. They'll
also get help to overcome all of the other issues that challenge
couples in modern marriage. MST is religion-neutral and based on
the latest marriage research.
Don't wait for problems
to emerge, take preventive action to promote the happiness and success
of your marriage.
Click
here to learn more about the benefits of marriage preparation.
Click
here to learn about Marriage Success Training.
Copyright
2003, Patricia S. & Gregory A. Kuhlman. You may copy this article
for non-commercial use provided that no changes are made and this
copyright notice, author credit and stayhitched.com source citation
are included.
|
