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Protecting and Enhancing
Sexuality in Marriage
As your relationship develops, sexuality
changes. This is normal. Since intense sexual attraction is usually
an important bonding element early in relationships, sexual changes
often seem unwelcome. Many factors are involved in these changes.
Before we talk any further about the
challenges of sex in marriage, it's worth noting that married women
and men report being significantly more satisfied with their sex
lives than either single or cohabiting people.
One of the most fundamental challenges
is the decline in sexual novelty. Novelty is a major sexual stimulant.
Novelty is automatic early in your relationship. Later, sex naturally
becomes more familiar and less novel with your partner.
Low desire is the top sexual problem
in marriages. (For men, the top complaint is low frequency--although
many women share this concern; for women, the top complaint is quality.)
You may need to seek approaches to increasing the stimulation of
your sex life at some point to compensate for the loss of partner
novelty. The basic strategy is to seek new sources of novelty and
variety. Read on for suggestions.
Other common interfering factors include
anger, time, avoidance and anxiety.
While most couples don’t want to make
love while they are in the middle of a fight, it’s a mistake to
put aside your sex life for an extended period because of disagreements.
(Volatile couples, especially, may find making up from fights to
be a passionate experience.) Repair your fights and don’t interrupt
your sex life out of anger.
Lack of time is one of the most often
cited reasons for infrequency of sex. One of the most common myths
is that sex has to take a certain amount of time. Of course, leisurely
sex can be wonderful. But it’s a luxury that few couples can afford
on a regular basis. If you wait for a big chunk of time and the
right mood for most sexual encounters, your sex life will become
infrequent if your life is as busy as most. See below for suggestions
on how time-limited sex can be satisfying for both partners.
Another top myth is that sex must
be spontaneous. It’s a fact of modern life that we plan and schedule
everything that is a priority. Make sex a priority and include it
in your schedule. Date night is popular with many couples, but some
experts advocate planning frequent very brief sexual encounters.
Couples often avoid sex because their
sex life has become dissatisfying or conflictual. If talking about
it is uncomfortable (and for most it is, at least a bit), avoidance
can become the path of least resistance. Lack of time is often a
convenient excuse. Talking about sexual concerns in a caring way
and planning together for sexual revitalization can be the cure
for avoidance.
Anxiety is another frequent interfering
factor. Sometimes anxiety is related to inhibitions acquired earlier
in life. Performance is another big source of anxiety. Performance
used to be a male concern—now women, too, feel pressure to perform
sexually. It’s hard for mere mortals to live up to the sexual expectations
and images promoted by the media.
Sex is an important bonding component
in marriage. So even if you feel somewhat alienated from your partner,
sex can often be the experience that restores your bond. It can
allow you both to feel closer, get affection and stimulate a sense
of intimacy. For some men who don’t talk very much in relationships,
sex can help them open up a little. From a biological point of view,
sex has a very positive effect on brain chemistry that can make
an important contribution to the on-going health of your marriage.
Sex primes the pump for intimacy and healing in marriage.
Marriages that don’t maintain their
sexual vitality are very much at risk. Plan together to protect
and promote your sex life.
For many people, sensate-focused sex
is great early in the relationship. They give themselves over to
the wonderful body sensations of sex with their partner. If you
find sensate focus less satisfying as your marriage progresses,
consider a more interpersonal approach to sex—what Schnarch calls
‘eyes wide open’ sex.
Fantasy can be another important source
of stimulation and variety for a sex life that has become routine.
Fantasy can be anything from reading sexy stories to watching sexy
videos to talking about things you’d like to do (whether or not
you actually go on to do them). Reviewing together the early days
of your relationship and what you found so alluring in each other
can be very stimulating.
Pasahow advocates using mutually arousing
fantasies, both in advance and during sex, to increase your stimulation,
so that both partners can be satisfied in the limited amount of
time available for most sexual encounters in busy lives.
Use variety to increase novelty: new
and various fantasies, positions, toys, locations, times, etc.
Take turns initiating sex. Take turns
being in total control while your partner remains totally passive.
These strategies help to deal with common complaints that partners
take too little or too much responsibility.
Optimize your sex life by communicating
desires and taking small risks.
Pasahow and other books give many
suggestions for implementing these approaches in many different
relationships with different sexual issues.
Our suggested readings about sexuality
in marriage (and other committed relationships):
Carole Pasahow, DSW,
ACSW, Sexy Encounters: 21 Days of Provocative Passion Fixes
(Program, resources and suggestions for lack of desire, 'not enough
time,' increasing variety, use of fantasy, reconciling different
sexual styles, etc.)
Click
here to learn more about or buy this book through our bookstore
link.
David Schnarch, Ph.D.,
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed
Relationships
(Stages and impasses of married sexuality. Stick with it past the
slow beginning. There are some really important ideas here and they
tend to accelerate in the second half of the book. He is a strong
advocate for marriage as an environment for the continuous personal
development process of each partner. He describes the interaction
between marriage, personal development and sexual relations.)
Click
here to learn more about or buy this book through our bookstore
link.
David Schnarch, Ph.D.,
Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems & Revolutionizing
Your Relationship
(More specific problem-related
advice.)
Click
here to learn more about or buy this book through our bookstore
link.
Marriage renewal
/ rescue seminar - Click here if you're married more than a year
Click here for info on private premarital prep packages and consultations including phone options.
Want
to know about more about strategies to protect and enhance sexuality
in marriage? Consider attending a Marriage Success Training seminar
with your partner. Click here to learn about the benefits of MST.
Copyright
2004, Patricia S. & Gregory A. Kuhlman. You may copy this article
for non-commercial use provided that no changes are made and this
copyright notice, author credit and stayhitched.com source citation
are included.
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